Your Kissing Skills SUCK

Keep 3/4 of it in your own mouth. If I was supposed to have two tongues in mine, I would have been born that way!

We get off on those nice, slow, soft presses of your lips and a gentle hand behind our neck, sending chills up our spine. We like the feel of your breath against our cheek and your hard body pushing us against the wall for an intense minute of groping. We never say "Damn, I hope he chokes me with his tongue again. I really get wet from that."

So what should you do? Class notes

1.) Lick, honey. Like you're tasting the best damn ice cream on the planet, but it's so cold, you can only handle a little at a time.

2.) Make sure she can breath. You guys get excited and jerk us close–which we love– but your often shoving our mouth and nose against a pillow, hair, blanket, etc and we really do need oxygen.

3.) Don't use tongue EVERY single damn time.

4.) Kiss the corner of her mouth, and again, about an inch over on the bottom lip. Then the other corner, and the middle of her top lip. A couple minutes of this sexy teasing may well have her grabbing your head and holding you still while she plunders your mouth. (Let her keep control for a minute–that gets hot if you have trust-but grab her and make your move before she starts wondering what to do next.)

5.) Never bite. Imagine my teeth clamping down on your nose. Feel the sting, the tears wanting rise at even the thought? Your lips are much tougher than ours. We can't take that crap.

What's the best time to kiss a woman?

Never after she's done something for you. It reminds her of the pecks you give a grandmother on the holidays. Bad reward system, guys. Handing us a chocolate kiss and saying: "good girl!" would get you laid faster. Though, we'd still take the candy before we started screaming–giving you time to run like hell.

Good times:

*In front of witnesses. She might push you away, but inside she's saying: "Aww... See, he wouldn't do that in front of people if he didn't love me." And! She will remember it. Make the kiss good enough that she responds when she normally wouldn't have in public, and you're very likely to get laid later.

*After you cum, but before you pull out. It reaffirms that you enjoyed it. No, we understand it'll be short, but to make up for your gasping, press a few of those sweet pecks to my lips, will ya? It also wouldn't hurt to occasionally throw in man-praise, like "Damn, baby!" We translate just fine. Main point? My ego has to be sated, too.

Bad times:

*Immediately following brushing your teeth. Do you like the taste of toothpaste? Want to swallow a spoonful of it and still be able to get the flavor while you have that cherished morning coffee? Same here.

After your first drink is tolerable, but five minutes is better. That wake-up haze you guys covet so much lasts an hour for a woman. If she doesn't have to get right up and do anything.

That just got you making plans for the weekend, didn't it? Approving nod. Good man.

*While I'm cooking. However, a soft press to the back of my neck while I flip your burger will get me to be on top. I'm just wired that way. The neck, an inch to the left or right of the spine, is one of our 'G' spots. I once had a man find that and lightly suck & then scrape just the barest tip of his teeth over it, in a 'two strokes and switch' rhythm for about ten minutes while I folded laundry. I let him have my ass after I exploded on my hand, his dick, and the clean sheets.

You seeing the point yet? Almost no ONE things gets us off. We need three or four stimulations going at once and most of us, (though sometimes self-conscious) are extremely willing to cover two of those. A lot of men try to take over. She's rubbing her titties! Quick! Slide your hand away from what she was enjoying and try to do the job she chose. Sigh. Mistake and a big mood killer.

What about nibbling?

I personally don't get off on it, but if the man's hands are doing their work, I'll allow if he enjoys that sort of thing. I want him to be excited and if that floats his boat, I'm all good. However, I don't actually know of any woman who likes nibbling in ANY area. We tolerate it because your dick gets like a bar of steel when we let you mark your territory.

That's why you like biting her, btw. Just thought you should know. It's a raw, sexy, primitive instinct that you shouldn't be ashamed of at all, my pets. We find it incredibly attractive. Just be careful with us. We are breakable.