Your Kissing Skills SUCK

Keep 3/4 of it in your own mouth. If I was supposed to have two tongues in mine, I would have been born that way!

We get off on those nice, slow, soft presses of your lips and a gentle hand behind our neck, sending chills up our spine. We like the feel of your breath against our cheek and your hard body pushing us against the wall for an intense minute of groping. We never say "Damn, I hope he chokes me with his tongue again. I really get wet from that."

So what should you do? Class notes

1.) Lick, honey. Like you're tasting the best damn ice cream on the planet, but it's so cold, you can only handle a little at a time.

2.) Make sure she can breath. You guys get excited and jerk us close–which we love– but your often shoving our mouth and nose against a pillow, hair, blanket, etc and we really do need oxygen.

3.) Don't use tongue EVERY single damn time.

4.) Kiss the corner of her mouth, and again, about an inch over on the bottom lip. Then the other corner, and the middle of her top lip. A couple minutes of this sexy teasing may well have her grabbing your head and holding you still while she plunders your mouth. (Let her keep control for a minute–that gets hot if you have trust-but grab her and make your move before she starts wondering what to do next.)

5.) Never bite. Imagine my teeth clamping down on your nose. Feel the sting, the tears wanting rise at even the thought? Your lips are much tougher than ours. We can't take that crap.

What's the best time to kiss a woman?

Never after she's done something for you. It reminds her of the pecks you give a grandmother on the holidays. Bad reward system, guys. Handing us a chocolate kiss and saying: "good girl!" would get you laid faster. Though, we'd still take the candy before we started screaming–giving you time to run like hell.

Good times:

*In front of witnesses. She might push you away, but inside she's saying: "Aww... See, he wouldn't do that in front of people if he didn't love me." And! She will remember it. Make the kiss good enough that she responds when she normally wouldn't have in public, and you're very likely to get laid later.

*After you cum, but before you pull out. It reaffirms that you enjoyed it. No, we understand it'll be short, but to make up for your gasping, press a few of those sweet pecks to my lips, will ya? It also wouldn't hurt to occasionally throw in man-praise, like "Damn, baby!" We translate just fine. Main point? My ego has to be sated, too.

Bad times:

*Immediately following brushing your teeth. Do you like the taste of toothpaste? Want to swallow a spoonful of it and still be able to get the flavor while you have that cherished morning coffee? Same here.

After your first drink is tolerable, but five minutes is better. That wake-up haze you guys covet so much lasts an hour for a woman. If she doesn't have to get right up and do anything.

That just got you making plans for the weekend, didn't it? Approving nod. Good man.

*While I'm cooking. However, a soft press to the back of my neck while I flip your burger will get me to be on top. I'm just wired that way. The neck, an inch to the left or right of the spine, is one of our 'G' spots. I once had a man find that and lightly suck & then scrape just the barest tip of his teeth over it, in a 'two strokes and switch' rhythm for about ten minutes while I folded laundry. I let him have my ass after I exploded on my hand, his dick, and the clean sheets.

You seeing the point yet? Almost no ONE things gets us off. We need three or four stimulations going at once and most of us, (though sometimes self-conscious) are extremely willing to cover two of those. A lot of men try to take over. She's rubbing her titties! Quick! Slide your hand away from what she was enjoying and try to do the job she chose. Sigh. Mistake and a big mood killer.

What about nibbling?

I personally don't get off on it, but if the man's hands are doing their work, I'll allow if he enjoys that sort of thing. I want him to be excited and if that floats his boat, I'm all good. However, I don't actually know of any woman who likes nibbling in ANY area. We tolerate it because your dick gets like a bar of steel when we let you mark your territory.

That's why you like biting her, btw. Just thought you should know. It's a raw, sexy, primitive instinct that you shouldn't be ashamed of at all, my pets. We find it incredibly attractive. Just be careful with us. We are breakable.

It's NEVER You in Our Fantasies

Let me put it in man-terms. One position with one female, one night of the week, for the rest of your life. Now add in only using that in your thoughts, as well. Makes it hard to think about heading for that comfy, pride-fed bed now, doesn't it?

Does the same to us. You have no idea what it's like to have to clear the time to shave, shower, and have boring sex, just to feed your ego and then get ourselves off. Not much to look forward to. Still wondering why she only spreads those legs once in a while?

Who is in our fantasies?

Your male relatives, co-workers, famous people. The same as yours.

What do we fantasize about?

That's one's a bit harder. When we find something we like, we tend to use the images until they don't draw a spark. Then we'll toss it in the file and adapt an old one.

We're usually watching our chosen players, not being one of them, though the woman will resemble us slightly.

Yes, we use the taboo shit, just like you. Rape, the occasional incest, and while asleep, are the favs.

Stop frowning at having it admitted so openly. Our thoughts are our own. Don't feel guilty for what your life-conditioning has scarred you with. So long as it never leaves your head, it's your business.

Will we act out our fantasies?

Sometimes, but it rarely ever works. There's no way you can match the images in our minds, and the same for us, with you. Always better off creating a new one.

Here's that class lesson, gentlemen.

1.) Get these three movies:

9&1/2 weeks

An Officer and a Gentleman

The Jodie Foster rape movie that I always forget the  name of. (You'll shock her with this one, my friends, I promise. Very few men have the balls to sit through a movie about a rape trial and then proceed with step #4)

2.) Watch one of the movies

3.) Do not make even one sexual move during the entire film. And watch it, too!

We hate it when you try to please us and act bored.

4.) Take her to bed.

5.) Repeat the next night until all of the films are watched.

Was she hotter or colder than usual? Which film did she react to? Base your fantasy attempts on the results.

She didn't like any of those?

You know her better than I do as in triggers, you just can't see it yet. Pick different types of movies with sexual scenes until you find the one that rings her bell.

How will you know if her bell has been rung?

Snort. Was the sex different? Nail marks, clothes on the fan, louder, sweatier, longer/shorter? Use your brain and evaluate her like you would a car with a knocking noise.

"Let's see... What's causing it? Maybe if I lube 'er up, the nut will go easier." Duh!

Is there at least one fantasy that all of us use?

Of course. There are always exceptions, but at least 90% of all females who have a previous orgasm will use this one over and over through the long years.

Pants unsnapped, yet? They should be. You'll enjoy this. Read for pleasure the first times. Then, read it again as a study guide while you quickly zip it up.

What? You were going to anyway.

It was exactly midnight when the cab pulled up. I know because I'd just looked at the clock on the Central Trust tower, missing the arrival. Orange, lined in white with black lettering, it was the only car I'd seen in the last hour, other than the police. In this City, those were always on the roads. Late January was a bad time for any business, let alone mine.

The window slid down to reveal an average taxi and an even more average driver–a sandy blond ponytail hanging behind a dark colored shirt.

"You should get in. We'll talk."

His voice was smooth, like the kind that should be singing backup for great bands, and I didn't hesitate, sliding into the warm car. It was roughly freezing and I hadn't had a single client all night.

"So where we goin?" I used my southern accent, almost sure it had been my very long hair that had drawn him.

He looked at me in the mirror, smiling politely. "Somewhere we can be alone."

I nodded and leaned back as the Taxi pulled smoothly away from the corner I always worked. "You guys busy tonight?"

He shook his head, made a gentle turn as he waved a hand at the lit up but silent cab radio.

"Not any more than you, I would think."

I studied him now, his total uncaring that we'd already broken laws and were about to blow through a few more, catching my interest. He wasn't ashamed, liked living on the edge, I thought, spying the beginnings of gray, of real age, creeping into his hairline. Ah. Fear of death. I couldn't have been more wrong.

His eyes met mine in the mirror and I recognized the need in them.

"I'd like to hire you."

I grinned sexily. "You already have. Price matter right now?"

His eyes never left mine as he gently braked for a yellow light. "There's a credit card on the seat next to you. Do you want to stop and get it first?"

I fingered the MasterCard. Johnathan Harker. Age, 37. Musician's animation on the logo. "After's fine."

He nodded politely and I caught a whiff of aftershave that sent a jolt through my system. Sexy!

"What's your name?"

"Amy. Yours?"

He grinned at my joke and I didn't bother to ask before lighting a slightly crushed Winston. His neat turns had quickly taken us to a more expensive neighborhood than I'd been expecting. Surely not his home?

We pulled onto a long gravel driveway surrounded by thick trees and utter darkness. When I looked up, I saw he'd been watching me.

"We can go somewhere else?"

He slowed as he made the offer, letting me have control, and I shrugged, relaxing.

"I'm fine with this."

The barn was full of straw, some baled but most spread out to dry, and when he took my hand in the dark, my heart thumped, very aware of him as a man. I was going to enjoy this one.

He turned suddenly and I could feel the tension in his big body, the need, the self control held tightly in check. He didn't touch me until I stepped into his arms.

Then, that's all he did–his fingers restlessly searching. His lips burned on mine, his breath sweet, thumbs working the sensitive flesh of my nape, my jaw, my cheek, as we kissed. Our mouth never lost contact as he slid me to the ground.

It was amazing how fast he had us uncovered and was between my legs, pushing into me. He was like steel and velvet in every hard thrust, hitting my body in just the right places and I pulled him close as I gasped, listening to him moan.

His lips went to my neck, body straining to get deeper and when I spread my legs further to let him, he began shoving into my heat with vicious jerks that slid me up on the straw and drew a surprised cry of pleasure from my lips as I exploded. Instinctively, I worked my tip, groaning his name.

I could tell he liked that by the way his lips burned into mine, his breathing harsh, iron bar pushing into me harder, and then he was up on his knees, hand a blur.

I quickly rolled over to give him something to aim for. Hot seed rained down on my cheeks and I smiled in the darkness, hearing his gasps. He'd needed that.

Silence reigned for a moment and then he surprised me again by being a complete gentleman, from wiping me off and helping me dress, to the hug and soft kiss on my cheek. "Thank you. You've kept me from hurting people."

Understanding fell into place as we walked back to the Taxi.

"She belongs to someone else?"

Now he was the one surprised and I didn't tell him I had a lot of experience with that sort of thing. He knew.

"Used to be my best friend," he sighed. "Hasn't been for a while now."

"Is it guilt or bitterness that keeps you away?"

He met my eyes. "Both. There are kids involved too."

He looked away and his voice was tortured. "The family that shoulda been mine."

My heart hurt for him and I slid my arm around his lean hips, laid my head against his shoulder.

"What can I do for you, John?"

His eyes and voice held shame for the first time.

"Be here when I need you. Be...available when it hurts so much I think I could just run into a brick wall and not feel anything anymore! Be my safety net when the only thing I want or care about is being with her, no matter who it hurts."

His voice lowered, full of self loathing. "I'll pay you well."

I nodded against his jaw.

"I can do that."

We made the drive to the ATM in quiet and when rolled down my window, I understood I could charge my own price. My finger moved toward the 2, after all, I'd enjoyed it, and his head shook. His eyes were still burning with need and control as he looked at me.

"Whenever I need you?"

I nodded, smiling. "Yes."

"Move down one."

My heart thumped as I hit the 4 and then two zero's. "Are you sure?"

His tone held a note of panic.

"Yes. If I go to her, she'll leave him. She loves me, always has, but she's everything to him. I'd never allow myself to be happy if I wrecked his home to get it."

I hit the enter button and after stowing the cash, wrote two numbers on a slip of paper that I gave him with the credit card. "Day or night."

We passed the ride back in companionable silence, both smoking. My eyes wandered over the taxi, seeing dice on the mirror, anti government slogans on the dash and over in the corner, near the heater vent, a small picture of a very pretty, very sad woman with dark hair longer than mine. 

Pushing away my greedy nature, I wondered if he knew how unhappy she was. I read it easily in her eyes. He looked at me in the mirror and I smiled soothingly, willing enough to be what he needed.

"Maybe fate has something planned. You shouldn't give up hope."

He sighed, nodded, but I knew he'd already faced the cold future that waited.

"Maybe. Thank you."

He pulled to the curb where he'd picked me up and I moved away without looking back. I'd have to be careful with this one. A guy like that would be too easy to fall in love with and that wasn't in my job description. He clearly belonged to someone else.

Do we really go all the way to the end?

Most of the time. Our explosions usually happen when we hit the $400 tab and feel the cold cash in our greedy hands. The setting, clothes, players, etc will change, but the main action you just blew off to will always be roughly the same. The thought of being a hurting man's secret escape is our number one fantasy. We don't want to be hookers, but the idea of offering comfort for money arouses us.

She doesn't watch movies, or you can't figure it out from the films?

Here are a couple other ways to judge what does it for her:

1.) See what she's reading. A woman likes to visualize, and reading is perfect for it.

2.) Leave a quiz or magazine test laying out for her to find. She won't actually mark the answers, but you can mention it later and watch her face as you talk about it. Tell her you took it, too, and what the results were.

You want to role play?

So does she. Like you, she's embarrassed and afraid of causing a fight or problem. I'll do a post on role play sometime in the future, but the easiest way, is to tell her what you'd like t try and let her decide. We prefer to know what we're getting into head of time.

Quick and easy role play ideas?

Back of the car with the hitchhiker (This work with either person playing either role.)

In the laundry room with the sitter/butler

A Penis Does NOT Cause Female Orgasms

Let's get that biggest myth out of the way first, shall we?

The idea that a man sticking his penis inside and thrusting, while squeezing a breast, causes a female orgasm... is ludicrous.

Are you kidding? Haven't you been paying attention to the same ol' sounds and the same tired reactions?

We wait until you're all happy and content in your useless male pride and then slip into the bathroom for only three of the foty-five minutes you took out of our lives. We leave that bathroom freshly satisfied–by our selves, as in–you barely had anything to do with it at all! Yes. Every time, though life often demands we wait hours or even days to find those 3 minutes alone. But as long as you got yours....

Test it.

Not sure? Don't want to believe it? Here's your test:

Wait until you're in a fight and then ask her straight out if it's true–or bring her here and let her read it so you don't even have to try to remember the ammunition. That's what I'm here for. Most women will say:

"She's a bitter bitch, honey. You always satisfy me."

Or

"Maybe she was hurt by men, or something, but it's not true."

Or, better yet

"It's the lesbian in her. They always talk like that."

A few females will try to avoid actually answering the question at all. They'll try these (or variation of):

"Do you have to fall for every internet scam that comes around? This is just another sex book to take your money and here you are, falling for the lies."

"Why are you reading that? Don't I please you anymore?"

"I know where this is coming from. It's your mother again, isn't it?"

Distraction is very effective. If we get you throwing out swings, we can hit you with a different bomb (one of the thousands we plant each year) and avoid the subject completely.

I hear those wheels turning, but hang onto your sacks, boys. You ain't heard nothing yet. Wait til we get to the lies about how manipulative and cold women honestly are. It will shock you to find out how much alike men and women really are. Only the topics make the choice. We'll save a baby and kill a rapist. You guys will do the same, the difference being that we see the innocence of the baby and bond with it. You guys don't bond with shit unless there's something in it for you. You love all your acquisitions. The rare exception to that is a father and his son.

I'll bet by now you're getting the idea that MALE lies won't be tolerated here, either. You're just as cold and greedy as we are. We simply don't have the same ass-saving resources and fall-backs that you do. Most women will say that we have a higher moral line, that we care more. Until you piss us off, and then all bets are also gone. There's that double standard–the one we use to our advantage every chance we can.

So, if she says it's not true, how will you KNOW she's lying?

There will be a visible pause.

There always is. It happens as our brains run through roughly 50 answers that will satisfy you. We would like to tell the truth (and feel your hands causing those shudders and lip-biting moans), but are scared of your reaction. Even a half-ass sex life is usually better than none at all. I've gotten to the point where I strongly disagree, but that does not mean I've 'switched sides'. I love the male body too much to ever give it up. I'm just a lot pickier now and have toys.

As a women, I can only imagine how much this hurts. All I can say is that for once, it really isn't just you. NO penis alone causes orgasm.

What if she admits it?
Then you have a good woman there, one who wants to give you the chance to make her as happy as she tells her snide friends she is. She's also braver than you've ever given her credit for. Reward her for the honesty by pulling her gently into your arms and say:
"Oh my God, honey! I'm sooo sorry. I didn't know. Let me start fixing that for us."
And then proceed to do the class lesson below.

Now why in the hell would a woman repeat that exhausting workout for so many years? Snort. Let's see...

Power

Greed

Survival

A search for love

Facing reality that this, is as good as it gets

A screwed up sense of control through sex

The list goes on and on. I think the better question is, why in the hell do men–who are supposedly the superior part of the human race–allow us to.

Pride

Ego

Clueless–as in didn't know she wasn't satisfied

Didn't want the fights

Scared of the work–Lazy

Ignorant of what makes us tick

That list also goes on and on.

So, what the hell is a man supposed to do? Spend an hour only pleasing her? You've got shit to do, right? There's a game coming on!

It's a clit. It makes us cum. Catch up.
And it doesn't take as long as you think. 3 minutes, genius, remember? Not that you can do it that quick. Ten should be enough for the first time, though and twenty each time after that.

How?!

Every women who masturbates has two settings:

The kids are in the other room! stroke it quick and hard, and RUB the nipple tip until exploding

Or

Find the time and pretend I have a man who belongs to the finger I'm using in a very, very, very slow in-and-out motion, as I stroke up and down with my other hand.

Now, put it back in your pants and pretend this is a class lesson.

1.) Kiss her–hard, but keep 3/4 of your tongue in your own mouth. Yuck!

2.) Push her gently against something–that trapped feeling can be sexy if used with extreme care.

3.) Jerk her pants down and quickly slide your finger (Never the middle! We find that totally disgusting.) softly up and down over only the clit. Kiss her again and use another finger! to light rub the tip of the nipple.

After one minute or so, switch

Your finger rubs lightly side to-side, other nipple gets lightly brushed.

Repeat the steps, with the following thrown in at different times, a minute or two apart:

*Suckle gently on her neck–no marks unless you ask her first and then keep it small. Do want her to appear like she was beaten?

*Thrust that hard dick against her hip and tell her you can't wait to feel her cum on your hand. (This tells her it's okay to relax. She can't cum if you don't get her to that point)

*Shove her shirt up and groan at the sight of those droopy breasts like she's that cute waitress you'd like to nail over the restaurant counter while everyone cheers you on. Then only rub the nipple tips again.

Repeat these steps.

Do NOT change the rhythm or pattern when she groans, moans, arches, wiggles, shivers, shudders, or anything else. If she reacts without a frown, she likes it. Why would you do something different?

No, you moron, do not even stroke faster. Slow got her there. Why screw up the groove with inventing?

Important!

As she climaxes, SLOW DOWN! You think you get sensitive? Snort.

4.) Now press a soft kiss to her cheek, don't gag at the smells if you grabbed her before she had a chance to wash, and then carefully turn her around and have your way.

Wet, already satisfied, and you can now just enjoy being what you really are–male. If you get lucky, she'll be grateful enough to fake a second orgasm that you can use for your fantasy as you take her. Afterward, you can chuckle silently, knowing how the man set it up, satisfied her, and it only took a halftime show that you didn't want to see anyway. You watch the game in peace, while she roams the house humming and smiling. Win-win.

Like the instructions?

I plan to keep including them. It's not like they're going to tell you what they like. Again, that's what I'm here for.

If you're still breathing, I suggest following this blog.

I assume they'll revoke my 'sisterhood' card for this, but after enough disappointment, you get to where you either don't give a shit if people can't handle the truth, or you feel a need to change it. I happen to be experiencing both.

What do you think?
Don't forget to vote! Top right, under the first picture